During this time of the year I’m always reminded of how blessed I am, but sometimes it can be incredibly lonely as well. In January of 2004 I lost my dad to Colin Cancer. I seriously remember losing him just like it was yesterday. I was 19, I was in English class, it was 7:00pm, and I just got this weird feeling and decided to leave school early. During that time my dad was going through hospice at home. He refused to have life end in a cold hospital with strangers, so my mom took care of him at home. (That’s 25 years of LOVE right there…quitting your job and not thinking about the future, but taking care of the man you love and worrying about the rest later). I remember calling my mom that day on my way home and everything seemed “normal” but it wasn’t. When I walked in the house my mom told me my dad had passed away at 7:00. That’s it…I lost my best friend and I just went upstairs and did what I do best when faced with bad news…I just laid there and didn’t do anything. Just numb.
That year and every year since then has been tough. You don’t realize, but when someone close to you passes every day (even 13 years later) you’re subconsciously and consciously reminded of them constantly. Whether someone is getting married and you think “man I wish my dad could still walk me down the aisle” or the Cubs win and you think “man my dad was from the South Side, but the Cubs were his favorite team and he would of LOVED this” or Father’s Day instead of coordinating where to take dad to lunch its “what time do you want to head to the cemetery?” or on 5/19 his birthday its remembering the last gift you gave him… a CD radio because music relaxed him and he could lay in bed listening to music for hours. Or how about every day because I lived at home and I would always say bye to him every morning when I left for work. Even in my dreams there’s a constant reminder. I would say about every other week I still have at least one dream where he’s still alive and then I wake up to a nightmare that he’s not. In my dreams he always beats cancer.
I have to remind myself how blessed I am though because I’m left with happy memories and although I didn’t handle his passing well I had one class that year that was my therapy. The next quarter I had a religious English lit class and the topic we had to write our paper on was called “A Life Worth Living” Of Course, I chose to write the paper on my dad. My dad passed away at the age of 43, but his life was 10 times better than people who live to be 90.
Now I gotta tell you a little bit about my buddy buggles (my nickname for him). He was 1 of 8 children and the only boy. Lol….yes he had 7 sisters. Speeding up he met my mom very young and they got married at the age of 19 and were together till the day he died. Now when I say I have the best memories I have the BEST memories. We were in no way a rich family, but my parents did everything to make us happy. From driving us every week to the the thrift store early to try to get the “best items” to saving up to take us on our first of many family vacations to Wisconsin Dells.
My dad was the first man I ever loved and looking back the ONLY true man I ever loved. He was so invested in my sister and I. In high school he would get to work early just so I could have the car to drive myself to high school. It’s the little things I remember like that 15 minute ride with him every morning and watching him walk into the office. Or watching jeopardy and WWF with him.
Or how I could hear him in the background when I would call my mom when I left work and he was asking her if she had my dinner ready. I worked all four years of college, so it was work 7:30am to 4:30pm and school 5:45pm to 9:00pm. Like I said my parents weren’t rich so I was out there trying to make my own money $$$ and proud of it. I was raised so well and my parents would constantly be told you have such lovely girls and I know it’s because I truly was raised in a loving family.
The thing I remember the most that I feel is lost on younger generations is his love for family. My dad didn’t have many friends. Lol my mom would make him hang out with some of the church guys cause he constantly just wanted to be around the 3 of us. He was such a family guy. I went to school at night 4 nights a week and my dad was right there with me. He would actually drive me downtown and sit the 3 hours outside and wait until I was done to save me $13 of having to pay for parking every day. Chivalry might not be dead, but guys these days DO NOT compare to the selfless acts my dad always displayed without thought.
So where am I going with all of this? Lol…I just really did pause and ask myself that. I know you probably don’t personally care about all the details I gave, but I guess what I’m trying to ask you to think about is “What is a life worth living?” After that ask yourself is how you’re living your current life taking you in the right direction to achieve YOUR life worth living? Maybe you even need to re-evaluate what you thought was important.
I will be the first to say I have never been one infatuated with money. How I see it you can’t take it with you and my personal relationships will always trump being able to say some fancy job title. Looking back now a Life Worth Living deals a lot with who you have to live it with. I’m thankful for my mom, sister, the few close friends I have, and hopefully one day meeting that man that chooses me. Not parts, not try to change me, but love me like my dad loved/loves me. I had an example of what it means to be a good father, husband, Christian, and friend. A life worth living to me is being so happy within my self that I can allow a love like that to come into my life. Merry Christmas and know your life is valuable and time is short…so let’s make every second count.
This article is dedicated to my daddy, Larry Johnson, AKA Buddy Buggles. Thank you for being my best friend. Love YOU always.
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Thank You Tavi!!!!! That was one of the BEST things I’ve read, as I feel I’ve actually found someone I can relate to. You have my sincerest condolences on loss of your beloved father.
My father died November 19th, 2012. I’ve felt broken ever since. Ironically, our fathers shared quite a few similarities. He was a family man, came straight home from work, rarely, rarely hung out socially. He enjoyed watching his sports games, dinner with the family, carpentry, cleaning, cooking and baking. He and my mother were the Ultimate cooks. In hindsight, they should have owned their own restaurant. Lastly, my father was a 22 year colon cancer survivor. Unfortunately, died unexpectedly of septis which lead to heart failure.
My congregation took me into their arms and let me sob on their shoulders. They held me up, encouraged me and helped me solidify my faith in future scriptural promises. I’m eternally grateful for the way they both, literally and figuratively held my hand during that dark time. However, I have not been able to get my stride back. Things have seemed sooooooooooo heavy these past four years. I am so grateful for having met your sister and all these years later seeing her social media post which led me to your blog.
I’ve been in neutral, but now it’s time to shift into gear and start living again!!!! In my humble opinion, a life worth living is an intimate relationship with our creator and helping others do he same – if that is their wish. As well as an interactive relationships with family and friends.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful tribute to your father. It helped me work out a lot of emotions this afternoon. Now, I’m off to re-engage in my life as my father would have wanted me to do!!!!!!!!
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Hi Mila!
First off I am so sorry for your lost. 🙁 The saying goes time heals all wounds and it doesn’t. I agree, that how I’ve made it through as well is faith in God and having an amazing family that is always here for me.
I wrote this article out of EXTREME loneliness this season. I’ve held things inside and sometimes have cried so hard I’ve given myself a headache. I have to keep reminding myself that my dad’s life although short was so well lived and he truly was a remarkable man as I’m sure yours was as well.
My coping mechanism in the past was to try not to think too hard on his death, but the other night I just let my mind linger there and create all these “what If” scenario’s and let’s just say the tears did not stop flowing. I’m glad you saw my sisters post and appreciate your kind comments and I’m so glad this article was able to help you. It was very therapeutic for me to write. Lol it’s always been so much easier for me to write my feelings versus speaking them. Merry Christmas and hope you walk strongly into next year. 🙂
Love Tavi
Tavi, thank you for sharing this wonderfully written and thoughtful account and dedication to your father. As a person who lost his mother to bile duct cancer in Oct. of 2015, this truly touched me. I look to people like yourself and even my own mother who lost her mother at 18 to find the strength to continue moving without her. Knowing that you have had to do this for a number of years lets me know that I can find the needed strength as well and again I am grateful for your choice to share your story. I suspected that the reminders would be life long and the dreams would continue. Though sadness and pain are factors, I would not have it any other way. The smiles, the jokes and just plain amazing memories out weigh it all and my life is worth living, if for no other reason than that she provided it for me and I am honored and enthusiastic about representing her. I would not dream of wasting her gift by not remembering to have…a life worth living. Merry Christmas and thank you again!
Thank you Tim!
I remember when you lost your mom. Every time I see a friend lose there parent it touches me and I truly do feel your pain. I think one of the things that helps me get by is I honestly have so many good memories that you can’t help but to feel blessed. Not to compare ourselves to others, but some people have their parents around forever, but haven’t experienced what it feels like to loved unconditionally. I’m thinking of you this holiday season and it was great getting to see you the other day. Stay strong and know that the joyful memories will always be there. I seriously remember doing things with my dad vividly from when I was like 6 years old. Hold tight to the memories and sometimes it will hurt like hell when you wake up and there not there, but I truly feel they are in spirit.
Love Tavi 🙂