I keep finding myself apologizing to people when they ask me how this year has been. Surprisingly despite all the world problems and a looming pandemic… this has definitely not been my worse year. On the contrary it’s been a year of enlightenment.
The pandemic forced ALL of us to face realities. Whether you came to terms you were in a loveless relationship, had to finally slow down and face your fears, or your tangible necessities like work and living space might have been compromised. We ALL went through something, but faced different levels of insecurities.
My insecurity came in the form of…. might I say… somewhat of a mid-life crisis. Turning 36 this year I questioned where I was in some of my personal endeavors. It always seems like my progression is short lived and I fall back into the same cycles that I try to free myself from.
Dare I say this changed by meeting someone who has only been in my life for a year, but the friendship and honesty shown towards me was much needed.
I’m going to be real and raw here because I’m not ashamed and I think the things I’m going through might be able to help someone else, so it’s worth it to me to reveal a little of my insecurities.
The title of this article is:
Life isn’t fair, but bring LOVE to war.
For ALL of my life I realized life isn’t fair, but my goal was to treat everyone the same. (Huge Mistake). I also thought I was following the golden rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I however, reversed things with “Treat others how they treat you.” Hence I thought I was being “FAIR” because I always dished out what I got. By doing so I was able to convince myself I was strong and not getting taken advantage of. However, living that way left me miserable and always keeping a tally in my head of who has wrong me and how many strikes they were on. That way I felt vindicated when I decided it was time to let that friendship go because I collected all the facts on why they weren’t a good person.
That is a horrible way to live and something that was brought to my attention that made me really reevaluate things. I was living a “Tit for Tat” lifestyle. It’s impossible to have a meaningful and successful relationship with anyone if you live that way. From many conversations with this person he taught me the value of Life not being fair and having to meet people where they are. That doesn’t mean you get walked all over either. He encouraged me to tell people how they made me feel, but in a calm way where both people are able to take it in versus yelling at someone that they fucked up. Going zero to a 100 real quick does not solve a problem.
Why did it take me this long to learn this lesson? Part of me feels I wasn’t receptive to it, but also that no one really brought this to my attention in the way that he did. I’ve always known people are going through things, but it’s not fair to put how I cope and rationalize things on other people. We all deal with things differently and if I’m not able to comprehend that I will never be able to be truly vulnerable and I’ll always have my guard up. Thus, hurting myself because I’ll miss out on meaningful relationships.
I went to a therapist about two years ago and one of my main concerns I expressed to him is several of my relationships ended with the person saying “They didn’t think I cared about them.” I was always dumbfounded when they said that because I felt I expressed it or at least said it all the time. However, come to find out they probably viewed me as seeing them as just an option and I could quickly move on. That was furthest from the truth. I feel like a mechanism that I use is to quickly say “that’s fine” because the way I’m wired in my head I need it to be fine or I’ll spiral into sadness.
I do have feelings, not everything is fine, and the person that is able to see that and see me through this, and help me….is the person that needs to be valued.
At 36 I am STILL a Work in progress. I will always be. I can confidently say though I’m not where I used to be (Thank God) and I feel that God is bringing certain people in my life that I am able to listen to and really comprehend what they’re saying.
I think the biggest lesson I have learned this year is life isn’t Tit for Tat, relationships aren’t Tit for Tat, and I need to be able to live in the moment and discern based on facts and not emotions. I truly thank this person for being there for me (even though they had their own struggles) and I hope I continue to be a better friend and confidant to everyone I know.
The year isn’t over yet, the pandemic isn’t over yet, and there’s still time. Dig deep and use this moment to face a fear or issue thats been plaguing your life.
There’s many wars out there will need to face whether fair or not. Bring LOVE and understanding as weapons to see you through.
More from my site